I've had a rough couple of months. My dad was hospitalized last July and has become very disabled. My Hailee colicked on New Year's Eve. My Violet got a bad trim which made her ouchy for a few weeks. I had two car accidents in January and my car is currently in the shop. I am waiting to hear the estimate for its repair. But sounds like I am going to at the very least replace a rear axle. My dad is in the hospital again and is not doing very well mentally. And my mom is burdened with his care. It's been a tough half year and is still going on. I am having troubles. I am trying to be a quiet girl and just let the trouble flow through and out of me. I try to be like Winston Churchill and say, "When you're in Hell, keep going." I try to be like Muhammad Ali and tell my troubles that if they keep up, they're going down like Sonny Liston. I try to just not beat up on myself. But yesterday was a hard hard day. I cried cried cried. I felt like I was a bad person. My anxiety button was triggered. And I slept horribly. I feel tired, sad and panicked. But you know, it's a new day.
This morning our snowstorm started and I pulled out the chicken coop cover I had made back in September. I walked Zelia in the beautiful big-snowflaked weather. I played with Jackass, Arcangelo, Orangeina and Moibeal! I drank coffee while watching all that beautiful snow, looking at the squirrels and the three sets of red cardinal gentlemen and their mates eating from my feeders. I spoke with my mom who is preparing to bring dad home from the hospital.
I am trying to keep strong. I will miss my horses as all of this sorts out. And I am going to pray hard for the strength to deal with these spurt of troubles. I want to stop feeling like a bad person. That's all I know. I can't express it well. I just know when things are bad, as they are now, I take it as a sign from the universe that I am bad. But I know that can't be so and that G*d must love me too as one of his creations. So, I am going to pray that I manage these troubles in the spirit G*d intends. Please help me be strong.
