All right, so here's where I'm at. My life is out of balance right now. I feel whelmed and a bit scared. Here's what's happened over the past few weeks. First, I went for my cardiology appointment and was told that I would eventually need surgical replacement of my pig valve in the course of time and that the dacron tube they had put in to help my tricuspid was clotted off, so essentially I have a useless plastic bag attached to my heart. My heart is at 7 on the way from 0 to 10 need surgery. All this news was fine, but still it troubled and upset me to imagine my pig valve replaced and a plastic bag clotted into my heart. Then my sister and I are having very big problems and we do not feel close to each other. We are experiencing a big deficit in our economies of gratitude. I was shut out of a 4th of July family event. Then my mom called and said that dad is hospitalized and that it looks like he is facing a long, long road to some level of recovery with an undefined outcome. As you can imagine, this upset me so very much. And then on Monday, I went to the stable to drive Violet and she was so lively and good. Lexie and I took her around for lots of trotting and turning and serpentining and we had a blast. I drove her up on the grass and through the trees, we trotted down along the pathway between the corn and stable. She did everything with her ears forward and a lightness of step.
And then I injured her. We unhitched her from the cart and I went to walk her between the wall and tractor (like I've done so many times before) and she hit her hip which hurt, so she lifted her leg high and strange and gave herself a big gaping gouge to her hock -- about 3 inches long and an inch wide with a big crater at the center covered only by pale white skin. I was distraught. I called Barbie. I asked Doug for help. I leaned on Lexie for her support and assistance. I called Dr. Irene twice. Of course, I am treating her injury and taking good care of her. But it really undid me. I hurt my sweet loving good-hearted kind-natured mare out of carelessness. And what breaks my heart is that I was halfway down the spreader (attached to the tractor) when I heard Violet running into trouble. And I turned to see, thinking, "Oh no, she's going to really cause trouble, she's going to freak out and hurt herself big time and get trapped and hurt me too." And as I turn, I look into her face, and I see fear and pain and also, I see her thinking, "I'm hurt! Oh, no. I'm hurt! Be careful. Don't hurt ma! Don't hurt ma!" I could see that clearly on her face. She was trying not to bolt or panic and trying not to surge forward onto me.
How could I have hurt such a lovely creature as her? It upset me so much that I was sick for two days. I still don't quite feel right.
And so, I am trying to get quiet and still, trying to regain my energies, trying to care for my family and companion animals. And trying not to feel whelmed. Please send prayers to my dad for his recovery and to Violet for her steady recovery too. Namaste.
