I'm writing this entry on February 15, 2011. This morning early, I read my post from November 10th, 2010. This week will be one of consequences, of my confronting what happened to Hailee and how I was careless with her precious life. So, you'll be seeing a week of correction posts to ones that listed my hopes and high expectations. Most everything in the preceeding post turned out to be a lie. The man did not value Hailee and by November 10th, Hailee was on her way to having her blankets and halter taken, denied proper nutrition, and sent to a large livestock auction to be put in a pen with many other animals. And that my paperwork listing my desire to have her back under any circumstance would be treated for what it was -- as my silly hope a "nonbinding agreement" in the man's terms. And in emails that would soon come to me after he learned that I did know what happened to Hailee at that auction, he would let me know that he fulfilled the terms of the nonbinding agreement. And in unvarnished language he let me know that he'd done me a favor -- that I was too poor to care for Hailee, too ignorant to know that she was not worth care or training, and a liar to misrepresent her to him -- though I had sent him her pedigree and a long long detailed letter about her strengths and problems and talked with him on the phone about my hopes for her and my reservations about her abilities. I wrote to the National Reining Horse Association and the American Quarter Horse Association about how this situation hurt my family, and I used my work's letterhead. That was dumb. But looking back, I realize that I used official letterhead because I wanted to be clear with those two associations -- if that man was willing to do this to a teacher, an educator, a professor who had made clear to him that he would take that mare back -- he would do what he did to anyone. Without regret or apology, he would be willing to hurt anyone.
Ultimately, he used my naivete against me. He contacted the Provost of my University to cause trouble, threatening to pull them into a lawsuit for slander -- for speaking the truth. I thought that was funny. I thought he behaved in such a sad manner.
And so I learned. After I went and visited Hailee, Coy told me that he didn't want to talk about her, didn't want to hear about her circumstances, that he doesn't live in the past nor discuss it. And he told me many other things about my bad nature.
And so I learned. And I'm learning. And I'm hoping. I'm grateful beyond words that God sent protectors to Hailee. Here's a photo of St. Francis -- I almost wonder if St. Francis was with her in that pen in the stockyard, guiding her rescuing family. I am grateful and faithful. I am grateful. And I hope and pray that I end up fulfilling the purpose that I have been sent for. I've been given so much and protected so well; I hope I can end up being of use in this world to others -- human, animal or plant.
One fallout from this experience is my anxiety. I am so worried and anxious about Violet lately. I worry disproportionate to her actual troubles. I realized this morning after reading this previous post which turned out to be such a giant lie that I'm worried about injury or harm to Violet and I dream of Violet and Renny being kidnapped because of the fallout of what happened to my beautiful foundation mare through my hands. I failed her in ways that matter the most. And so I am grateful to her samaritans. I hope I can be made stronger and more loving and smarter.
And so I close today's post with an English version of St. Francis' prayer -- please let me work on being an agent of consolation, and of taking my heart of stone and making a heart of flesh -- let me pardon, myself and others, let me sow love where there is hatred and anger -
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love.
Where there is injury, pardon.
Where there is doubt, faith.
Where there is despair, hope.
Where there is darkness, light.
Where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.
Amen.
Please let me keep on learning the lessons that I am to learn from this experience. And please let me continue to feel the gratitude that I owe my maker and the samaritans he sent. Namaste.